The world was passing before my eyes.
Out of my reach.
Beyond the compartment windows of the train.
And I was inside.
As if I was one of the seats and doors and handles. And for one second I almost believed myself.
It was 2:15pm on a Valentine’s day, and I was having another hyperventilating episode in a public place. It had only happened once publicly ; 2 years back while attending my own birthday party. It was the first time I had experienced such and incident and it scared the life out of me. This time was special too.
I had flunked my university exams.

I kept my eyes trained outside the windows opposite me. I don’t want to miss my station again. A faint voice reached me from the earphones I’ve dug into my ears-“When I was a little girl, Alone in my little world, who dreamed-” smirking internally , I got up from my seat.

I gasped and opened my eyes.
The ceiling fan is moving at a fast speed
My heart rate is as fast as a bullet train.
The room was pitch dark but I can hear the motor working and moving the blades. I hear a lot. I hear almost everything. I can hear when my mother and brother discuss me when I’m in the garden. It’s not as if I want to but it just happens. Like now at 3 o’clock in the morning , I can hear the part at next door going on a full swing. My roommates are over there as well as my classmates. It’s one of those late Valentine’s parties where everyone is invited. I was too. But I’m too tired. Still my mind is awake – it keeps humming a tune , maybe a song , I can’t out my finger into it. I unlocked my phone , ignoring the red battery level and manually played every song till my phone gave out.
I really hate iphones.


A week had passed and my mind is catatonic , which is not unusual. But last night was. One of my roommates was holding a uni-over kinda party and I went to it; which was turning into a huge mistake until another of my roommate came and hugged me. I felt a wetness on my shoulder.

The rest of the night is a blur. And this time I blame the alcohol.

I finally woke up around noon and pulled on my hoodie ,grabbing my phone and pushing the earphones into my ears, I went out to have some coffee.

Wearing a hoodie was a mistake. The sun was blazing hard or maybe I had more drinks last night than I had previously assumed.

I looked up to some green trees and yellow butterflies circling around.

I had a dream , that I could fly -” , smiling I checked the song name this time and found brown leaves on my path.
Tip-toeing I kept on walking , while a soft breeze played with my hair.

(song in reference: Dream by Priscilla Ahn)

sketch by me